The Last Word on Same-Sex Marriage

Ok. I do not want to hear any more about this. The denial of marriage licenses and civil unions to homosexual couples of both genders is the most ridiculous thing going on in the United States today. Worse than the Iraq War, worse than the environment and education crises. Period.

And so I have taken it upon my humble self to convince everyone, once and for all, that same-sex marriages (or civil unions at the very least) should be legal throughout the United States. I will do this SOLELY on the basis of the wording in the laws of the United States of America. Here we go.

1. YOU CAN'T USE RELIGIOUS ARGUMENTS. I keep hearing this one. You can yell and scream all you want that same-sex marriage violates every moral statute of every major religion (and I could even argue that it doesn't, that's beside the point) but it doesn't matter. The first amendment to the US Constitution CLEARLY states that no laws whatsoever can be based on religious grounds. For this same reason, marriages in the US can be and are performed by non-religious figures, such as judges and county clerks. Similarly, one does not need to be religious in order to get married. Atheists can get married, agnostics can get married, even crazy Wiccans can get married. There is no "Check your religion" box on a marriage certificate. So no religion. Got it? Moving on...

2. Ok, so now we see that marriage is a purely secular institution. No religion involved. But aren't their laws against same-sex marriage?

Yes.

So shouldn't they count?

No.

But why not, oh wise weblog author?

Because they are UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

How come?

Well thanks for asking! To answer that, we turn to my most favorite constitutional amendement, number 14 (passed way back on June 13, 1866). It's a little long, so let's just read section one. All together now:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

Wait wait wait. Did you catch line two? Here it is again:

"No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States."

Ok, remember that for just a second. Now let's think: do marriages afford rights to couples that unmarried couples do not have? Why golly, yes they do! Among other things, married couples are granted hosptial visitation rights, inheritance of a spouse's possessions if no will was written at the time of death, tax breaks, adoption rights, privileged rights to obtaining health and life insurance, and they get to say, ya know, that they're married (which isn't really a privileged legal right, but I just thought I'd throw it in there).

So let me get this straight. If no state can make a law that infringes the rights of a citizen, and married couples are afforded privileged rights, and same-sex couples can't get married, then that must mean that...

All laws banning same-sex marriage are unconstitutional. Period.

Wait, I hear someone screaming in the back of the room.

Mr. Jesus-Love Conservative Man: "But gay people can get married. The natural way. To womens who can stay in the kitchen and make food and babies."

Ah. Yes. Technically, that is true. But last time I checked, homosexuality was not illegal. All laws banning homosexual practice were officially overturned in 2003 with the Supreme Court's ruling on the case of Lawrence v. Texas. (A ruling that was, interestingly, based off of the provisions of the 14th Amendment. Good old 14th Amendment.)

So really, it is nuts to argue that same-sex couples should stop their constant doing of legal sexy things, then totally go against who they are and get with a member of the opposite sex, just to get some rights that they should be afforded anyway.

Same-sex. Marriage. Legal. NOW.